I just wish my family would understand that I have a mental disorder. I have been diagnosed with depression and anxiety that stems from a chemical imbalance and fueled by the fact that I live alone in a city that I have grown to dispise, and have literally maybe 20 hours of human interaction at work. In the past year, I have tried to commit suicide twice and think about it almost daily to the point where it has become a natural thought in my head. Every night I lay in bed fantasizing about dying to cope or wishing that my mother had had an abortion like some people had told her to do when she found out she was pregnant. I find comfort in this idea of not existing.
I tried to push past it and tried to live as much of a normal life as I could, but because of the issues with my depression, I struggle to motivate myself and function like a normal person. Even now there are days where I cant get out of bed from the anxiety that overwhelms me. I sit at work, putting an accessory together wondering whats the point of being here when Im so miserable, why am I bothering to try when deep down I feel that Im no good. Even the normal things I did outside of work now seem to have no appeal to me. Music has always been something I thrived and relied on, now all it is a coping mechanism that barely does that anymore. Fashion (what I spent 4 years getting a design degree in) is the source of alot of my anxiety and self worth problems that stem from my last job where I was constantly abused mentally working at a fashion house in midtown. All the sci-fi shows that I would geek out on and watch religiously I barely find the strength to bother to care about anymore. Now, its just about making it to the end of the day so it can be over with only to have to repeat the process over and over again.
I’ve worried and cared too long about thinking what other people thought about it and listening to their ideas about what my life is like. “Oh you must love living in new york” or “oh this is the perfect place to be for you” and the one I get alot from family and friends “why would you ever want to come back to Dallas?!” Honestly, these people don’t understant that living in that city is hard mentally, emotionally, and financially. Add to that depression and its unbearable. But its my fault for giving in and letting those voices decide for me what the best decision is when really all its done is alienate me from alot of people, people who cared and I considered friends. I basically have cut myself off from everyone in college, even the ones who still try to reach out to me, when I have a meltdown I put my best friend through hell because of my frantic and irrational thoughs, my own mother is worn out and frustrated because I cant get control over my thoughts and make a clear decision because my emotions are so unstable that I cant gauge them anymore.
I honestly don’t know why Im writing all this, I think this meltdown I had tonight has broken me again. I don’t think I will try anything, I just needed to get this off my chest and most people I know wouldnt bother to listen or care. Sure, im sure if I posted this on facebook or told a friend everything, they would show support with a simple comment on there. But its not about having support or getting sympathy, its just about me expressing this out loud because Ive kept it so quiet and downplayed it and been given adivce and opinions that I didnt need when I would open up. Ive said it all to my therapist, my best friend who has stuck through with me on this for a year and a half now, my mother who doesnt understand what its like to suffer from a type of depression that isnt based on emotions. I have spent so much time talking to people about it who care but I feel that its slowly pushing them away and Im scared of what its done to me. I dont know who I am anymore other than a sad pathetic excuse of an existance. I miss the days where I felt that everything was alright and the biggest problem I had was finishing a garment for class. I just want to go back to having a life where I can think clearly and use the idea of suicide as a comforting thought.
I just wish that my family could understand so I could have the support I needed. My mom has tried so hard and its worn her out. She has put up with the meltdowns, getting sobbing calls at 2 in the morning becausing Im panicking about something, the constant mood swings and opinions, helped support me and I am so grateful that she has put up with so much of me. She loves me and wants me to get better but she doesnt understand fully what my situation is like. She dealt with a short period of depression so she feels she understands but while she did experience it and I realize and recognize she did, it was a very different kind that was emotionally based and not a chemical imbalance so she was able to function normally. So its hard to convey why I suddenly feel trapped and slowly incapable of handling things when she bases it off her memories of it. My aunt has never been supportive from where I stand, she thinks I’m just being lazy and acting dramatic and wishs I use a more religious approach to everything. I dont think she will ever be able to grasp the concept that there isnt a rhyme or reason to it for me, its something that I cant control. She doesnt want me taking medication, which had slow downed the process of getting to that point in the past because I gave in and said I would go through a trial period with my therapist to see if I could rely without them. In her mind, everything would be solved if I just got over it and prayed more. I barely tell my grandparents anything because they truely shouldnt have to know all this is going on, but its hard to hide it when I call them and I just feel dead inside. When Im home they notice it every so often so its hard to explain when they ask whats wrong. My uncle understands depression because he has gone through a similar process that I have, so I have found someone who understands what its like and knows that its not something that is solved easily. But like everyone else, he has his views on what to do (at least his are more rational but still not what I feel is the solution I need).
I’m 24 years old and I feel like I have already lost so much, I really don’t know if I want to live to 25 or not. I feel like I’m selfish for feeling this way because I know there are people that care and love me, but I also feel so lost and damaged that Im no use anymore. I really don’t know much about my life anymore or where its going. I used to know and had plans and dreams about it all, but now its just trying to breathe without slipping.
I’m sorry for my rantings, it may not all make sense, it may be emotionally charged and be all over the place, I just didnt know what to do. Its 3 am and I just now as Im writing this working down from a major meltdown that has left a very heavy weight on my mind and heart.